regret. 

I love you. Funny how I can only say it to you here. I swear I didn’t want this to happen. But it’s the only way I could think of. I wanted you to tell me to not go. I wanted you to make me stay. But of course you didn’t. I can’t say I’ll wait for you forever again. Because I refuse to wait. I’m not the best, but even I don’t deserve to wait another 4 years. 

I wanted to call you. To talk to you. I wanted to see you and go out with you. There’s so much more I wish I could do with you. All I wanted was to be wanted by you. Because it always felt so one sided. Just like it did 4 years ago. As if you were giving yourself an exit pass. I wanted some sort of commitment. 

Yes it’s silly I know. But even I want to feel wanted. And not left there being told to do what I want. I can’t tell you that of course. Because then what’s the point? If you don’t feel a thing for me, if you don’t want me around.. why should I stay and subject myself to more torture? Even worse you say that you don’t want to hurt me. 

This is how feelings work. I am ready to be hurt. I am ready for rejection. But what I hate the most is to be kept waiting. I don’t want an ambiguous, ‘let’s just start off as friends and get to know each other’. I’m pretty sure we’re already past that. 

It really hurts to know that I’m not wanted. Even if you didn’t mean it. But this is how things are. 

You are my weakness. In every sense of the word. And I will still definitely hold you in my heart. But I’ll keep it to myself now. Because I know you won’t look for me. 

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