poison. 

You know when your feelings just build up and bottle up, with no one to talk to, it just keeps collecting and collecting. Then at its limit you let it all out at one go, it becomes poison. 

I have very little self control over my emotions. Especially when I let it build. All I wanted was to talk, but when misunderstandings pile up and I get frustrated, pressure builds and increases till I snap. All the strong emotions become poison. I want to say, I started off really badly. I want to start all over again. I want to convince you, I want you to listen to me. And when you don’t, the pressure continues to build. Losing your attention after getting it back is a really huge blow. I swear when that my heart ached when you came to the decision that friends are all that we could ever be. I really really really hate myself. Because this isn’t the me that I want you to see. 

The emotions snowballed and I just became a mess. I’m sorry for feeling jealousy. I’m sorry for wanting more than you could give. I’m not asking for your forgiveness. I’m asking for a complete start over. 

Fear and anxiety fuels the poison. It’s the catalyst for every emotional nuke that I drop on you. It’s really not me wanting to drop bomb after bomb after bomb. I don’t mean it. There no one in this world that would want to chase the one they like away. 

Frustration is building. 

The furtherest I will ever do is to drop unending words to you. I promise I won’t hurt myself. I promise I won’t smoke. I promise that I will take things slow. I promise that I won’t drop anymore bombs. I won’t get jealous over nothing. I’ll talk to you about everything slowly and calmly. I will cede to your every request, I’ll definitely never say no again. You can call me any nickname you want. I’ll listen to every demand. 

I’m willing to do anything. But there’s nothing you want.

As fear and anxiety grip my heart. All I can do is watch as you walk away from this calamity known as me. 

All I can do is continue breaking down. 

Till I find the courage to walk forward again.

Eventually I will. But I know that, I don’t wish to wait for another 4 years to talk to you again. Maybe in a month, when things settle down. I’ll say hi again. 

At that time, please bear with me. 

From the beginning, all I wanted was your attention again.  

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